Sunday, August 28, 2011

I have made a decision

It is hard to believe it has been 3 months since my exchange surgery. Things are great. I love that I don't have to wear a bra if I don't want to and that things are smooth--can't really see my scars anymore. It has taken a while to get used to my new body--like if I do push-ups or pull-ups my boobs go flat. It is quite bizarre looking. My friend and I had a good laugh at the club last week. Oh the little things that make me giggle now.

Well, I have made a decision........and it wasn't easy. I called to make an appointment to have the tattooing done and the next thing I knew, I was making an appt. to have my nipples done too. I guess you have to do the nipples first and then the tattooing. So as I sat on the phone with the PS office, "Ok, let's just do it" flew out of my mouth. Let me tell you, I've gotten so used to not having them that I don't care or even want them, but I do think my husband was happy that I made the appointments. Sometimes it is so easy to get focused on yourself that you don't think of others. And don't get me wrong, my husband is the best and supports me in whatever decisions I make, but I have to admit........I kinda did this one for him. I do want him to find me attractive--right down to the concocted nipples on my chest. Ha!! I really enjoy not worrying about the whole getting cold in a swimsuit or shirt. It has been so nice, but I do understand that it does look a little different not to have them. And although I've come to terms with it all, it won't hurt to get them back. Let's just hope they don't look too funny or stick out too far. UGH!

So, as I get used to the idea of having to go back to the hospital again, I am glad I will get this whole process complete by the year 2012. I'm ready to be done with this all and just live.......with no regrets!!!

I will update you after my mini-procedure on September 9. Is it weird to ask you to pray for my new nipples? he-he.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Second surgery- check

It has been a couple of days since my surgery and things are going well. I still feel a little sore and have some pain if I don't take Advil or a pain pill. I am sore in the middle of my chest which seems strange. And I sneezed today and.......OUCH!! But I do have normal armpits again. Oh, the small things that I"m thankful for. It has been 4 months since I've been able to properly shave them or even see them. It seems strange to have them back.

I had surgery on Friday morning and was home by Friday afternoon. My PS said everything went well, so I am feeling ok about the surgery. This surgery was much different than the first one and although I knew what to expect (sort of) I was still a little nervous. I think the idea of this being the final surgery and that I better like the outcome was a lot of pressure. I did feel a little anxious when we arrived so I was going to the bathroom every few minutes. And yes, I did that embarrassing thing...I peed on my hospital gown and had to grab the corner of pee and walk back to my room and ask for a new gown. Always fun to do!! I was definitely ready for some drugs at that point.

I did like that I walked into the operating room and was able to see what the room looked like and who would be in there. I jumped on the table and in full-service sort of fashion, I had a cuff on my arm and my legs and had an i.v. in my other arm. I laughed at how busy the room was and how many people I had working on my different appendages. And then I passed out. Luckily I don't remember anything past that.

I woke up in a recovery station and was given some yummy saltines and a pain pill. Once that kicked in they took me to a private room where I met Brian and we heard 24 hour care instructions. Pretty easy and simple. It almost seemed too quick to go home. I got another pill and I was wheeled down to our car. I have taken a couple of days to rest and take care of myself. I'm ready for the swelling to be down and to see what these babies are really going to look like. They say it takes 2 weeks for them to take shape. Ugh! It seems like it never ends.

Well, I'm happy this step is over and look forward to looking "normal" in shirts again. I no longer have rock-hard boobs in my armpits. Yippppeeee!! No regrets, but I"m glad it is done!!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Another Countdown

Last Thursday my husband reminded me that I have 4 weeks until my next surgery. I try not to think about it because my body is actually getting used to these foreign objects in my body. They don't seem quite as heavy or awkward as they used to (although they are still annoying at times) and my sleep has improved over the past 2 weeks. I am able to run, lift, workout, hug my kids, etc. and I'm starting to feel "normal" again. I cringe thinking that in a little less than 4 weeks, I will be sliced open again, have another recovery time (although it will be shorter), and some more healing for this body to do. I think once this whole process is over I deserve a nice vacation or a fun party! : )

I had a friend ask me, "Now that you know what this all entails, would you have done it?" Or something like that--it made sense when she asked it. I didn't hesitate with my answer (yes), but I did say I would have explored and researched the one-step a little more. Not that I would have definitely picked it, but after months of being uncomfortable and sleep deprived, the one-step procedure does sound tempting. I have been happy with how my body has healed so far and don't regret a thing. I know this was the right decision for ME and I'm happy I did it while I was healthy and young (ok, sort of young).

Little stories:
* Since I don't have feeling in my chest, I have a hard time knowing when my shirt slips down or hangs open (when I bend over). Luckily, I'm getting very good at always checking in. The other day I was pulling weeds in the back yard only to notice my shirt was hanging open as I was bending over...and this isn't a normal look for me. Luckily, I was in the back and no one saw. That would have been a sight to see for my neighbors who don't really like us. Ugh!
* I was watching this random movie one night, they had a mermaid sculpture on the top of the car (I told you it was strange) and I giggled because my chest looked just like the mermaids. So not only do I have a very modest Barbie chest, I now can say I have a mermaid chest, too. It keeps getting better and better!

Well, life has definitely been on the up and I feel good. I keep thanking God that I was able to do this surgery, recover quickly and be with my family through it all. I feel very blessed....even through the minor aches and pains.

Friday, April 15, 2011

It's taking its toll

Well, I had my last injection on Monday and it has been an interesting ride since then. I have had little to no sleep which I'm learning is very important when dealing with kids and family. : ) I spend each night going from my back (which in now just as uncomfortable), to my side and then to my other side. And usually each rotation is about 1/2 hour or so.....if that! I have to laugh because I'm pumped when I get 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep (flashbacks to baby days). I haven't had to sleep in a chair since Tuesday night and that is a great step. It is interesting to me to think about how sleep deprivation effects every part of your day. From no patience with the people around you to feelings of depression to uncontrollable emotions- and I mean crying over nothing (which I almost did today at Costco, but not over nothing. Over a crabby, stubborn child. UGH!). It is crazy the way my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride and I'm ready to get off. Let's just say I do a lot of self talk to talk me down from feeling sad and depressed. Thank God I have such amazing Christian friends who keep me focused, encourage me and just pray for me.

I'm also convinced that i am experiencing yet another one of my mom's symptoms. I have shooting pain in my arms- especially when I am trying to sleep. I have vivid memories of my mom sitting on her green couch each night in her pajamas. Now I know why. It is like a wake up call to your body once you place your head on the pillow and I dread it. Nerves come alive that literally jolt my body at times. It is annoying. And I don't even have a body full of cancer. I can't imagine how my mom did it for so long and didn't complain constantly. I am seeing her journey with cancer in such a different light. What an amazing woman!! I still cry that I don't get to see her and talk with her, but wow, what a blessing to have had such an amazing, loving, caring and godly mother.

Now I wait. I have 8 weeks from today until I have my exchange surgery. Somedays (like today) it seems so far away. I'm excited and have to keep focused on why I did this and the outcome when it is all done. I pray everyone is right when they tell me I won't remember the pain and sleepless nights from these past months (another child bearing similarity). I seriously can't wait until I can sleep again (I'm sure my husband can't either). Until the next surgery, I will perfect my sleeping poses, learn to live with shooting pain in my arms and embrace the next step- no matter when it happens.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Exchange Surgery Set

Last week was kind of a blur. I met with the PS on Thursday and he gave me a once over (made sure my chest was rock hard--if only it were my abs that were) and we scheduled my exchange surgery for June 10. I was excited to get the surgery at the beginning of the summer and learn that I wouldn't need drains. I was so happy to hear this!!!!

Then my mood took a turn. I didn't get another injection and it felt strange. Not that I'm going for Dolly Partten or anything, but I assumed I'd get a little more in-- especially since we talked about doing it the week before. Also, I've had many people tell me to go bigger than I think I'll want. Easier said then done when I have no idea what I want or what this mess will look like when it is fixed up. UGH! So, I left the office and felt uneasy, anxious and completely unsure. I mean, if I'm going through all this pain and discomfort I better like these babies. : ) I called a close friend who has had surgery and talked with her and even looked at a picture of what she looks like in a swimsuit. Wow, talk about a good friend. I couldn't stop thinking about my decision so I called the PS and talked with Nikki. She told me to come in the following week and we would do another injection. I immediately felt better. So, on Monday morning I will get another injection.....maybe my last one, but who knows. I definitely didn't think this part would be as hard as it is for me.

Life has been good since I skipped a week of injections. I can even sleep on my side for a few minutes before it hurts. It just feels good to move from my back. I can't wait until I can see the chiropractor again! I will need to be put back together. I also have been able to workout and run a little more. Nothing like I'm used to, but at least it is something. I'm quickly realizing that these 5+ pounds are going to take me longer to get off then I'd like.

Reality check. We are house sitting and the teenage son was outside playing basketball with our family. He came up behind me with full intentions of being playful, fun and showing his love.... and gave me a HUGE bear hug. All I could do was yell, "You can't do that! You can't do that! You can't do that!" I think he was in shock and didn't know what to do. Brian encouraged him to let go of me and I held in my tears and prayed I wouldn't fall over. I knew he had no idea what he had done and he felt bad. I seriously thought my arms and chest wouldn't go back to their original spots and that the throbbing would last forever. I also kept checking to make sure my chest wasn't deflating. I recovered and talked to him about it. He knew I had surgery, but he quickly learned what that meant. He felt bad, but it was all good. Now he knows not to give me bear hugs until I let him know it is ok. I realized that just because people know I had surgery, it doesn't mean they know what these crazy expanders feel like and how painful it can be.

Well, time to go to bed. I will check in again on Monday and let you know how my injection goes. Hopefully I will have a better feeling when I leave this time.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Getting closer.

Well, a lot has happened in the "boobs of steal" world for me. Last week, I only added 25cc's to each side (this was recommended since the prior week was so horrible) and I had a great week. In fact, I ran the night of my injection and I hadn't done that in about 6 weeks. It was wonderful. Unfortunately, I spent the next day dealing with some soreness, but it was good for my mental health. I ran another time that week and even did my first fitness class. Things were pretty good UNTIL........

Yesterday. I went in for another injection and realized that I have to wait 8 weeks in between my last injection and my exchange surgery and I don't want these expanders in during the summer. So, I decided to go back to 50cc's. MISTAKE! Last night, after taking a pain pill, a muscle relaxant and then 2 alleve, I finally got a couple hours of sleep. It seriously felt like there was a war in my chest. I had sharp pains in my chest and in my arms all night long. No matter what I did I was miserable. I finally sat in a chair and tried to sleep (while I cried). Not a good night.

Today is one of those days when lack of sleep and soreness get the best of my mental state. I want to rip these foreign objects out of my body that make me look like someone who has balloons shoved into her clothes (except much harder!). It makes me want to sleep all day--if only it felt good to do it. Seriously, I love sleeping, but lately I dread it. Usually by Saturday it feels much better, but let me tell you......this exchange surgery can't come fast enough. AHHHHHH! Fortunately, some of my jeans don't fit, so I'm trying hard to control my eating--although my initial thought is to eat until the pain is gone. : ) Ok, I'll stop complaining.

My husband did bring flowers home for me tonight and we went out to dinner, so I didn't need to cook and clean up dinner. The day definitely ended on a good note.

Next Step: Thursday I meet with the plastic surgeon and hopefully get my LAST injection. I am getting closer......

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Bad Day

I almost feel guilty telling about my horrible couple of days when I know so many people who are dealing with such major things in their lives right now. So, I will keep it short and as positive as my mind can be (I'm so tired and emotional).

* Had 50 cc's injected yesterday
* Didn't sleep at all because I was so uncomfortable and had pains in my arms and ribs.
* Took pain meds and muscle relaxant and it did nothing for me. Still no sleep.
* Dream about ripping my expanders out....a lot.
* Realize I have a ways to go with these things in and get a little depressed.
* Remind myself I opted to do this and it is a good thing.
* Still feel sad.........and fat.
* Feel as though someone is squeezing me tight and/or sitting on my chest when I breath
* Dreading going to bed now and praying I get some sleep--for my sake and my kids
* End the day with a Shamrock Shake--that's as Irish as it gets in our house.

Positive note: My kids have been so good at not hugging me tightly and being gentle when they are around me. Since my surgery we've done a lot of hand-holding, which I love. Last night, Haddon was upset and came into bed and grabbed my hand to hold it and tonight at a movie, Brady grabbed my hand and hugged it to his face. I love my kids. Just gentle reminders of why I did this surgery!!!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Four Weeks Post-Op

It is hard to believe it has been 4 weeks since my surgery (somedays it feels even longer)! Yesterday I went in for my second injection. I assumed it would be about the same as last week, but I was quickly reminded that nothing is the same (that's a loaded statement). Unfortunately, my breasts are doing their own thing--one is filling nice and neat and another one is filling high and makes life uncomfortable. This is normal and just due to how different our bodies are. So, as we chatted about how much she'd put in, she wanted me to be comfortable for my dad's wedding and stuck with 50cc's. At first I thought, "Come on, let's get this thing done." But after she filled my whacked out side, she went to the other side and it was SCREAMING as she put the saline in. It was tight and full! I am so thankful that she knows what she is doing. I can't imagine what I'd feel like if we had squeezed more saline in.

So, I walk around with rocks on my chest and no skip in my step. I have been given a little more freedom to add things back in......slowly. Of course, today I don't even feel like walking. By 6 weeks I should be able to do everything again--even run. We'll see how that goes.

This weekend is a big weekend. My dad is getting married. Of course, I love my dad and want him to be happy, but there is still a sadness. I know it will be weird to watch him commit his life to someone else and vow to love her. This is just another step in the process, but it also feels like another step in forgetting our mom. Please don't worry, my brain knows that my memories are all there, but my heart is what feels sad. I know the day will be fine, but it will be a hard one. Enough about that!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Let the injections begin.....

Well, I had my first injections today or what I like to call "fills". Fills because I want these babies to fill up already!! Of course I was feeling a little anxious about what this would feel like, so I was told to take a muscle relaxant and an aleve and it went great.

We showed up, I disrobed from the waist up (if I only had a dollar for every time I've heard that!) and we waited. It is funny how comfortable I have become baring my chest to complete strangers.....I mean, only dr.'s and nurses and friends. : ) The nurse, Nikki, came in with an assistant, waved a little gadget over my chest and marked where the ports were. She grabbed the syringe that was filled with saline and filled me with 50cc's. She's taking it slow so I'm not too uncomfortable. Brian watched as my boobs grew instantly. Kind of a weird sensation, but I knew it would be another adventure going into it. She also announced, "you are now a teeny bopper"--just to give you an idea of the progress. Ha! She also removed my surgical strips on my incisions. I haven't looked yet, but by the way Brian's faced looked, I know I am in for a treat. I think I have been so impressed with my results so far because I haven't seen the incisions. I'm bracing myself and praying it's not as bad as I think.

Things have been going really well. I am back to work (not 100%, but enough to feel good about it), I have stopped taking my pain meds with an occasional muscle relaxant for sleeping purposes, I can drive and I have even started walking a bit to keep my muscles moving. I am very happy that I am getting back to a "normal" routine and that I have more and more energy every day.

We have been so blessed with meals, flowers, calls and cards. I have felt so peaceful about everything and so loved and cared for. I am feeling good and looking forward to keeping the process going. I will go in next week for another injection and will be on my way to my next surgery--the exchange surgery. Nikki said she thought it would be about 4 or 5 months after my original surgery--June or July. Yippeee!

Thanks for reading and praying. Until my next exciting report.......

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Feeling Good....

Well, today is the 2nd day that I have a little more energy and feel like the pain is getting better. I can finally lift my arms above my head, pull shirts over my head (most of the time) and put dishes away. I even went back to work today. I know, it seems kind of fast, but I was going a little stir-crazy at home, plus I am only going to do about 10 hours this week. I'm still not able to drive--a little too painful under my arms on my sides and in the muscles by my armpits. So it was nice to get out of the house and get back into a semi-routine again. I was tired by the time our family drove home (we were all in the same building-so fun!), but felt good about everything I got done.

I had an appointment with my BS today and she was happy with my progress. She was amazed at how good I looked just under 2 weeks after the surgery. She told me the weight of my breasts (weird, I know), but it was interesting. They were different by 40 grams. Oh, the information you can learn about yourself and really, what does it matter. She also told me I am in the phase of swelling- usually 2-4 weeks after surgery. I'm praying I don't get more swollen--I'm not sure what I could fit into if I did. It was a great appointment and I left very encouraged. I walked away with a sheet of arm exercises and an appointment for the first week in June.

It has been interesting talking to friends and co-workers since my surgery. I think it is hard not to check out my chest, or lack there of, when you talk about it. Kind of makes me laugh. I have been trying to explain to Brian that I really have no connection to my chest anymore and you can find me flashing my friends whenever they want to see what it looks like. It kind of reminds me a science experiment. We hear all about mastectomies, but when you see it in person, it is so real and answers so many questions. And then I don't have to answer those questions. If others can learn from this, then I say- why not!

Well, I am off to bed. This has been a good day and I'm excited to see what tomorrow holds. Praying for it to get better and better each day.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Drains are out!!

This was a wonderful day! Ok, it didn't start out great--I got hit in the chest twice by my little 3 year old while trying to get him dressed and the tears started flowing, but it sure got better as the day went on. My sister came over once she heard I was in tears (so sweet) and played with Brady and also cleaned a bit. : ) I was able to relax and rest. She sure is taking good care of me and my kids!

We had an appointment to see the PS at 1:30 and I wasn't sure if I would get the drains out. Sure enough, I was ready! I exposed my chest and drains and moments later, he was pulling the drains out. I was warned that it might sting or pull a bit, but it would be fast. First one--fast, easy and didn't even hurt. The second one, not the same. I actually thought he dropped the scissors on my breast........ and then came the sting and pain. Wow, that one caught me off guard! Hours later, I felt much better. I think my nap helped with that too. Amazing how that short outing knocked me out. I was exhausted. Thankfully my amazing friend took the boys most of the afternoon and I was able to take care of myself.

I have this new sense of freedom--no more stripping the tubes and measuring fluids, no more awkward showers, no more lumpy sweatshirts (that will strictly be from my own bad eating) and no more pain under my arms. I can reach higher and will start to increase my movement, but still limit major movements and exercises. He told me I can't run for a couple more weeks and I laughed. I can't even imagine doing that. It still hurts to breath deep and even walk fast. BUT I do feel like things are really going to get better this week! I am thrilled.

Good news- the pathology report came back and it is negative. The BS said she didn't see anything during the surgery, but this was the final say. Yipppee!

Next step: See the BS next week and in 2 weeks, back to the PS to start my fills.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I feel so blessed.

That almost seems silly to write as I'm sitting here with a deformed chest covered with ice packs and mild pain, but in the midst of all of this (post surgery stuff, figuring out meds, where the kids will go, keeping track of the fluid in my drains, how I will shower, etc.), God has really opened my eyes to the amazing family and friends I have. Trust me, I know I am surrounded by great people, but when they shower you with flowers/gifts, stop by to check on you, drop off meals, offer to take your kids or take the kids, and cuddle up in bed next to you, you have a different outlook and view of your family and friends. I have not been very emotional about this surgery, but when it comes to my sweet friends and family, I get a little teary-eyed. God has given me a peace about everything and has really encouraged me and made me feel loved through my family and friends. And let me tell you, it is such a good feeling.......and I feel blessed.

These past couple of days have been days of figuring things out.
* Brian and i have mastered taking a shower--yes, I need his help to wash my hair and it is not the showering that most men want to help with. It probably looks quite comical. Here I am with a string around my neck with my drains attached and there's Brian, hanging over the top of the shower washing my hair. Oh the things you do for love!
* Kids' schedules. My sister has stepped in and helped with the boys whenever needed. And let me tell you, they don't really like staying at home anymore. They have too much fun with Auntie Heather and their cousins-and I love that!!
* Sleeping style. If I don't have it just right, I have a pain in my chest and get uncomfortable. So long to side sleeping. I have actually been sleeping in my glasses and it doesn't hurt (Brian has lost his job of taking my glasses off after I fall asleep). Brian did wake me up this morning saying, "Is that comfortable?" My head was hanging to the side and it didn't look good. Without missing a beat, I said, "NO!." and just readjusted and fell back to sleep. You don't have too many options when you have to sleep propped up on pillows on your back.
* Medications. Sweet Brian or shall I say, nurse Brian put together an Excel sheet for my meds....and thank goodness. I don't know how people take pills without writing it down. We started out strong our first night- Brian set his alarm for my pain pills which went off a couple of times during the night. Day 3 home, Brian asked if I could make it through the night without them. We are getting tired of waking up in the middle of the night, can you tell? And yes, I made it!!!

It has been great to see the boys again (in small doses--I don't have the energy yet). Today, Haddon was dragging his rocking chair up the stairs so he could "sit with mommy" (don't worry, Brian carried it all the way up). They also set up a stuffed animal recovery center in the room with me. It was so cute to watch as they brought in sheets, pillows and stuffed animals and carefully put them in their beds. The animals were definitely taken care of. If I can figure out how to post a picture, I'll put it on here. I love kids and the way they process things.

Thanks again for your prayers! It has gotten me through the worst part (I hope). : )

Saturday, February 12, 2011

I made it!

Well, I had my surgery on Thursday at 3:30pm--only an hour behind schedule.

It was a long day of waiting and being hungry. The nurses at Fairview were awesome. When we arrived I checked in and then prepared for pre-op. I changed out of all of my clothes and put on a fun purple bear paws gown and socks and removed all valuables. I was given some beginning meds to prep me for the surgery, so when I went into the pre-op room, I had fun watching the nurses and doctors and making up my own Grey's Anatomy show. After about an hour of waiting, the plastic surgeon came in and drew lines on my chest and Brian and I couldn't resist taking pictures of my newly colored chest--I think he used a blue sharpie. We had some good laughs.

Once the OR opened up, I was wheeled up there........right after the nurse gave me something for the pain in my IV. I hate those things. Brian left and I went in to the brightly lit room and that's the last thing I remember from the surgery. I woke up in the recovery room overwhelmed with pain and emotion. I was crying and the poor nurses in there didn't know what to do with me. You'd think they'd be used to it, but they acted so surprised, but sweet and motherly and wished they could make the pain go away. I guess I was in there for almost 2 hours and then was bought up to my room. Now let me tell you, that was the worst ride I've ever had. Not only did I feel like there was an elephant on my chest and I couldn't breath, I was being wheeled around over bumps and turns that HURT my body. I was crying the whole way.

I had an amazing room- a corner room with 2 HUGE windows and nice views. That made up for my crappy ride up there. : ) I felt so much better on Friday, but still had some pains. I only felt nauseous when I got up to walk.....which was kind of painful. I was in bed most of the day and got up for an occasional walk down the hall--which made me so tired! I have a long road ahead of me. Yikes!

I had a few visitors on Friday and it was fun to see people. Lots of flowers and treats and amazing well-wishes. I feel so blessed.

It is Saturday now and I am at home. I was discharged at 1 or so. I was a little nervous to leave, but everyone was happy with my progress and how everything looked. I did get to take a shower at the hospital and felt much better after that. I have a lot to get used to--not only what it looks like, but how it feels. Very different. I am still very happy with my decision and heard from countless nurses that they would have done the same thing. It was nice. The breast surgeon also told me that one of the nurses that accompanied her in surgery was part of the test group with the BRCA testing and she had the surgery done 10 years ago. She said she has no regrets and it has given her such a peace of mind. I thought that was a pretty neat story.

We are trying to keep track of all these meds and make sure I'm not in too much pain. This typing is the most I've done in 3 days and now it is time to nap. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. I'm on my way to recovering!!!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

T'was the night before........

It is almost midnight and I just finished drinking a protein shake. Strange, huh? Well, I'm not supposed to eat anything after midnight and I just worked out a little bit ago. I couldn't shut off the voice inside my head that said I'm not going to be able to workout for a couple of weeks. So, I dragged myself out of bed and did a little workout tape--just like the old days. : )

Well, my emotions have held up quite well today. The only time I cried was when a dear friend came to church and prayed for me. It was so calming and peaceful and I felt such a peace come over me. It was so touching and just what I needed! She definitely has the gift of prayer. She prays boldly and with such sincere care for others. What a wonderful example!

I have tried not to think too much about tomorrow and in fact, I've limited who I talk to today. I'm not sure why, but I just haven't wanted to talk about it today. I'm not having second thoughts, I think the more I talk about it, the more the reality of the recovery (i.e. pain) fills my mind. And lately, I get a little nauseous every time I think too much about it--which makes me a little nervous. Ok, I have to stop thinking about it or this protein shake will do me no good tonight!!

My kids are excited to spend time with their auntie and cousins which is the best! I feel such a peace about my kids being with my sister. Thank God for amazing sisters! It can make such a difference-especially when you are going through something like this. She has also agreed to keep up the blog while I am out of commission. She will update how I am feeling right after surgery or so.

Thanks again for the encouragement and love. I have such amazing friends and family!!!!!

Monday, February 7, 2011

3 more days......

I have written this blog many times in my head, but every time I thought about signing on and really writing it, I couldn't. I'm not sure if it was because it all feels so real and scary or if I feel like I have other things that are more important to get done.

That aside, here I am, writing three days before the big surgery. I have been soaking up my kids--picking them up, cuddling with them and hugging them. We have had talks that mommy won't be able to pick them up after surgery, but I sure will want to. I've also enjoyed sleeping flat on my back, my side and on my belly--all things I won't be able to do for a while. And also all things that seem so trivial compared to other things people are going through. I think of my aunt who just found out she has breast cancer. They are hopeful that it was found early enough and they will only have to do a lumpectomy, but I still cried as I read the email. I cried because it is all too real. I cried for my cousins because I know how it feels to get that call- especially when you live far away. I cried because it made me sad that my aunt will have to go through all of the emotional and physical things that come along with this horrible disease. Luckily she is strong and has a very supportive family. That is 5 out of 8 siblings on my mom's side who have had breast cancer. Have I told you that I hate cancer!!!

Well, I'm feeling very blah right now. My emotions are strange--happy one minute, numb the next, and crying about who knows what the next minute. It has been a strange couple of days. I will write more tomorrow.

p.s. Found someone to clean our house while I am recovering. She is awesome and she cleaned it today. Now that made me happy!!!

Friday, January 28, 2011

The 2 Week Countdown

For the past couple of months, I have been in the state that I don't want to know too much about the surgery. It was making me anxious hearing about it all. BUT since I hit the 2 week mark, the urgency to KNOW has kicked in. It has been interesting. You can now find me surfing the web daily, reading a fellow previvor's blog, and looking at pictures of what my breasts just MIGHT look like soon. It all is a little scary, but also empowering. It has also helped me to let go of my hopes of being up and around after a week or two and helped me to start being realistic. It is taking away some of the unknowns for me, but helping me to become REAL about the whole thing.

I have had great conversations with my cousin, my sister, my husband and with total strangers. I am learning so much and starting to grasp the intensity of this whole surgery and the emotions that go along with it. I have been on the FORCE website reading questions from other women who are facing the same thing I am. It is so awesome to know you are not alone and that others have survived the surgery and look great, too. Amazing that so many women are faced with this decision. They have great advice and amazing encouragement for those just starting down this path they've already taken.

The one thought that popped into my head today was this: What if they find some precancerous cells or something unusual in the tissue they remove. Ok, not the best question to think about, but hey, it is real. Here I am worrying about the details--who will watch my kids, will my work be covered, will my house be cleaned, will my family have food to eat, but what if they find something?! I know the odds are low, but all of a sudden I realized I should prepare for this, too. This is how my mind is lately......always thinking of something.

So, as you can tell, I have hit a new phase. The emotional part is still there, but it is being overshadowed by the "I want to know it all and right now" gal. I will take it all in stride and prepare for middle of the road (I have heard the extremes, that's for sure!).

BTW, I got my post OP bras--CHECK!!! Thanks to a sweet friend who watched my boys for the day, I was able to go ALONE and check it off my list. Trust me, these days are filled with many do to lists and I have a sense of accomplishment when I get to check something off!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I have hit a new phase

Well, I feel like I have hit a new phase in this adventure. It is all becoming a little emotional and scary as the date gets closer. Don't get me wrong, I am still confident in my decision, but I am thinking about too many scenes I've seen on these OR tv shows. Ugh!

I have been looking into having someone come and clean the house post-surgery, so I don't have to stress about that. Well, in my email exchanges with this stranger, she calls me "brave" after I tell her what I'm about to do. As I read her sweet and caring email (let me remind you....from a stranger), I cried. Never would I think I was brave for doing this, but it definitely hit an emotional button when I read it. It was almost refreshing to read that she thought I was brave for doing this instead of extreme or foolish for making a drastic decision. It was almost "mother-like" when I read her words. And thus, starts my new phase of tears and emotions.

If you have ever lost a mother to cancer, tested positive for the BRCA gene or know someone who has, Pretty is What Changes by Jessica Queller, is a great book to read. My cousin gave it to me. She read it when her sister had this same surgery. She said she cried reading it (her mother died from breast cancer also) and after I picked up.......I knew why. It touches on some deep topics and emotions, but it is very well written. I just reread some of the details from Jessica's surgery because it is helping me mentally prepare. Yet, at the same time, it brings up memories of my mom and the emotions that will probably come out before and after the surgery.

This whole thing is definitely becoming very real for me. The surgery will be here before I know it and I will be honest, it is kind of scaring me a bit. I know I will be fine, I will be happy I did it when it is over, but the mental and emotional mind games while I'm waiting.......that's the hardest thing right now. Oh, and maybe my crazy imagination and my to do list! : )

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Quick story.......

Ok, I have a couple things I HAVE to do before I have surgery per the hospital/surgeon:

1. Have a physical- I finally made an appointment. Check!

2. Buy a front closure bra for after surgery. No check.
Ok, let me tell you, I was dreading finding a store and even started looking online to order one (and if you know me, I'm not very good at online shopping. Let's just say, I have many shopping carts filled with clothes I've never bought, but wish I would have). So, guess what store opens up a mile from our house? You guessed it.....Underneath It All. This is a store "filling your intimate needs after breast surgery". When Brian told me, I couldn't believe it. If you would have asked me what stores were going to open up in this little strip mall, I NEVER would have thought it would be Underneath It All. Yet another thing that makes me feel good about my decision. Isn't it amazing what we think are signs after we've made a decision. : )

I'm sure it will be an experience going in this store, picking out a bra for a surgery I have no idea what the outcome will be (I'm being informed of just how sore I will be), and paying $50 for it--again, I have the thrifty gene from my mom. But boy am I happy I don't have to drive all over the place looking for it! Woohoo! Funny to find joy in this little thing.

Monday, January 10, 2011

One Month and Counting

Well, I have hit the countdown. One month from today, I will be at the hospital with Brian, hopefully recovering nicely with hardly any pain (a girl can hope).

The reality of the surgery has started to settle in as I start to make plans for the kids while I'm at the hospital and after I'm home. It makes me a little anxious, but I know it will all work out. Thank God for my sister. When you can't have your mom, your sister is a sweet second best!! It has also started to sink in that I might not be up and running around a week after my surgery. I've been playing it my head that I'll be fine after a week and back to normal activity minus the lifting and stretching........oh, and working out (still a sore subject). BUT I am starting to rethink it all. After a quick conversation with my sister, I realized I better give myself a little more time to recover and not push it too fast. This will be hard for me, but I think I'll have many friends and family that will remind me. : )

The one thing I'm reminded of as I start this whole process is how wonderful my family and friends are. Brian has been very encouraging and supportive during the dr. appointments, my random thoughts about surgery, my sad days, and decisions that have to be made. I have also received so much support from others about my decision and offers for help with the boys and food. I'm pleasantly surprised and I don't really know why. I know I have awesome friends, but I guess still thought people would judge me for making such a drastic decision. And wow, have I changed that thought! I'm so blessed with such amazing, loving and caring friends and family. That is exactly what will get me through this whole procedure.

Next step in this process (and I have pages of instructions before surgery): Get a physical by my family physician (who I haven't seen in YEARS!!)

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Gone Too Soon

Today I attended a funeral of a Wooddale mother who died too young. She was only 49 years old and battled breast cancer for 3 years. She leaves behind a husband and 2 children- 1st and 3rd grade. It breaks my heart imagining these children trying to understand why their mom isn't here anymore--especially such a strong woman of God. Thank goodness they have a strong faith in God and are trusting and relying on HIm to get them through this hard time. The celebration was a wonderful tribute to the powerful legacy she leaves behind for her children, family and friends.

Of course, attending funerals brings back such tender moments and I relive the emotions of losing a mom. I cried just thinking of these sweet kids and the day they said goodbye to their mom-holding her hand, hugging her and crying together. It is all too real and vivid. I also sit and think, "I don't want this to be me". It hit me today exactly why I'm having this surgery. I want to do what I can so I don't have to say goodbye to my kids because a horrible disease took my life.........and one that I could have done something about with the information I have. I feel very confident in taking the first step in fighting for my life and health and the many years I want to have with my family.

Happy New Year! May this be a year that we stop and spend meaningful time with the ones we love!!