Friday, April 15, 2011

It's taking its toll

Well, I had my last injection on Monday and it has been an interesting ride since then. I have had little to no sleep which I'm learning is very important when dealing with kids and family. : ) I spend each night going from my back (which in now just as uncomfortable), to my side and then to my other side. And usually each rotation is about 1/2 hour or so.....if that! I have to laugh because I'm pumped when I get 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep (flashbacks to baby days). I haven't had to sleep in a chair since Tuesday night and that is a great step. It is interesting to me to think about how sleep deprivation effects every part of your day. From no patience with the people around you to feelings of depression to uncontrollable emotions- and I mean crying over nothing (which I almost did today at Costco, but not over nothing. Over a crabby, stubborn child. UGH!). It is crazy the way my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride and I'm ready to get off. Let's just say I do a lot of self talk to talk me down from feeling sad and depressed. Thank God I have such amazing Christian friends who keep me focused, encourage me and just pray for me.

I'm also convinced that i am experiencing yet another one of my mom's symptoms. I have shooting pain in my arms- especially when I am trying to sleep. I have vivid memories of my mom sitting on her green couch each night in her pajamas. Now I know why. It is like a wake up call to your body once you place your head on the pillow and I dread it. Nerves come alive that literally jolt my body at times. It is annoying. And I don't even have a body full of cancer. I can't imagine how my mom did it for so long and didn't complain constantly. I am seeing her journey with cancer in such a different light. What an amazing woman!! I still cry that I don't get to see her and talk with her, but wow, what a blessing to have had such an amazing, loving, caring and godly mother.

Now I wait. I have 8 weeks from today until I have my exchange surgery. Somedays (like today) it seems so far away. I'm excited and have to keep focused on why I did this and the outcome when it is all done. I pray everyone is right when they tell me I won't remember the pain and sleepless nights from these past months (another child bearing similarity). I seriously can't wait until I can sleep again (I'm sure my husband can't either). Until the next surgery, I will perfect my sleeping poses, learn to live with shooting pain in my arms and embrace the next step- no matter when it happens.

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