For the past couple of months, I have been in the state that I don't want to know too much about the surgery. It was making me anxious hearing about it all. BUT since I hit the 2 week mark, the urgency to KNOW has kicked in. It has been interesting. You can now find me surfing the web daily, reading a fellow previvor's blog, and looking at pictures of what my breasts just MIGHT look like soon. It all is a little scary, but also empowering. It has also helped me to let go of my hopes of being up and around after a week or two and helped me to start being realistic. It is taking away some of the unknowns for me, but helping me to become REAL about the whole thing.
I have had great conversations with my cousin, my sister, my husband and with total strangers. I am learning so much and starting to grasp the intensity of this whole surgery and the emotions that go along with it. I have been on the FORCE website reading questions from other women who are facing the same thing I am. It is so awesome to know you are not alone and that others have survived the surgery and look great, too. Amazing that so many women are faced with this decision. They have great advice and amazing encouragement for those just starting down this path they've already taken.
The one thought that popped into my head today was this: What if they find some precancerous cells or something unusual in the tissue they remove. Ok, not the best question to think about, but hey, it is real. Here I am worrying about the details--who will watch my kids, will my work be covered, will my house be cleaned, will my family have food to eat, but what if they find something?! I know the odds are low, but all of a sudden I realized I should prepare for this, too. This is how my mind is lately......always thinking of something.
So, as you can tell, I have hit a new phase. The emotional part is still there, but it is being overshadowed by the "I want to know it all and right now" gal. I will take it all in stride and prepare for middle of the road (I have heard the extremes, that's for sure!).
BTW, I got my post OP bras--CHECK!!! Thanks to a sweet friend who watched my boys for the day, I was able to go ALONE and check it off my list. Trust me, these days are filled with many do to lists and I have a sense of accomplishment when I get to check something off!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I have hit a new phase
Well, I feel like I have hit a new phase in this adventure. It is all becoming a little emotional and scary as the date gets closer. Don't get me wrong, I am still confident in my decision, but I am thinking about too many scenes I've seen on these OR tv shows. Ugh!
I have been looking into having someone come and clean the house post-surgery, so I don't have to stress about that. Well, in my email exchanges with this stranger, she calls me "brave" after I tell her what I'm about to do. As I read her sweet and caring email (let me remind you....from a stranger), I cried. Never would I think I was brave for doing this, but it definitely hit an emotional button when I read it. It was almost refreshing to read that she thought I was brave for doing this instead of extreme or foolish for making a drastic decision. It was almost "mother-like" when I read her words. And thus, starts my new phase of tears and emotions.
If you have ever lost a mother to cancer, tested positive for the BRCA gene or know someone who has, Pretty is What Changes by Jessica Queller, is a great book to read. My cousin gave it to me. She read it when her sister had this same surgery. She said she cried reading it (her mother died from breast cancer also) and after I picked up.......I knew why. It touches on some deep topics and emotions, but it is very well written. I just reread some of the details from Jessica's surgery because it is helping me mentally prepare. Yet, at the same time, it brings up memories of my mom and the emotions that will probably come out before and after the surgery.
This whole thing is definitely becoming very real for me. The surgery will be here before I know it and I will be honest, it is kind of scaring me a bit. I know I will be fine, I will be happy I did it when it is over, but the mental and emotional mind games while I'm waiting.......that's the hardest thing right now. Oh, and maybe my crazy imagination and my to do list! : )
I have been looking into having someone come and clean the house post-surgery, so I don't have to stress about that. Well, in my email exchanges with this stranger, she calls me "brave" after I tell her what I'm about to do. As I read her sweet and caring email (let me remind you....from a stranger), I cried. Never would I think I was brave for doing this, but it definitely hit an emotional button when I read it. It was almost refreshing to read that she thought I was brave for doing this instead of extreme or foolish for making a drastic decision. It was almost "mother-like" when I read her words. And thus, starts my new phase of tears and emotions.
If you have ever lost a mother to cancer, tested positive for the BRCA gene or know someone who has, Pretty is What Changes by Jessica Queller, is a great book to read. My cousin gave it to me. She read it when her sister had this same surgery. She said she cried reading it (her mother died from breast cancer also) and after I picked up.......I knew why. It touches on some deep topics and emotions, but it is very well written. I just reread some of the details from Jessica's surgery because it is helping me mentally prepare. Yet, at the same time, it brings up memories of my mom and the emotions that will probably come out before and after the surgery.
This whole thing is definitely becoming very real for me. The surgery will be here before I know it and I will be honest, it is kind of scaring me a bit. I know I will be fine, I will be happy I did it when it is over, but the mental and emotional mind games while I'm waiting.......that's the hardest thing right now. Oh, and maybe my crazy imagination and my to do list! : )
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Quick story.......
Ok, I have a couple things I HAVE to do before I have surgery per the hospital/surgeon:
1. Have a physical- I finally made an appointment. Check!
2. Buy a front closure bra for after surgery. No check.
Ok, let me tell you, I was dreading finding a store and even started looking online to order one (and if you know me, I'm not very good at online shopping. Let's just say, I have many shopping carts filled with clothes I've never bought, but wish I would have). So, guess what store opens up a mile from our house? You guessed it.....Underneath It All. This is a store "filling your intimate needs after breast surgery". When Brian told me, I couldn't believe it. If you would have asked me what stores were going to open up in this little strip mall, I NEVER would have thought it would be Underneath It All. Yet another thing that makes me feel good about my decision. Isn't it amazing what we think are signs after we've made a decision. : )
I'm sure it will be an experience going in this store, picking out a bra for a surgery I have no idea what the outcome will be (I'm being informed of just how sore I will be), and paying $50 for it--again, I have the thrifty gene from my mom. But boy am I happy I don't have to drive all over the place looking for it! Woohoo! Funny to find joy in this little thing.
1. Have a physical- I finally made an appointment. Check!
2. Buy a front closure bra for after surgery. No check.
Ok, let me tell you, I was dreading finding a store and even started looking online to order one (and if you know me, I'm not very good at online shopping. Let's just say, I have many shopping carts filled with clothes I've never bought, but wish I would have). So, guess what store opens up a mile from our house? You guessed it.....Underneath It All. This is a store "filling your intimate needs after breast surgery". When Brian told me, I couldn't believe it. If you would have asked me what stores were going to open up in this little strip mall, I NEVER would have thought it would be Underneath It All. Yet another thing that makes me feel good about my decision. Isn't it amazing what we think are signs after we've made a decision. : )
I'm sure it will be an experience going in this store, picking out a bra for a surgery I have no idea what the outcome will be (I'm being informed of just how sore I will be), and paying $50 for it--again, I have the thrifty gene from my mom. But boy am I happy I don't have to drive all over the place looking for it! Woohoo! Funny to find joy in this little thing.
Monday, January 10, 2011
One Month and Counting
Well, I have hit the countdown. One month from today, I will be at the hospital with Brian, hopefully recovering nicely with hardly any pain (a girl can hope).
The reality of the surgery has started to settle in as I start to make plans for the kids while I'm at the hospital and after I'm home. It makes me a little anxious, but I know it will all work out. Thank God for my sister. When you can't have your mom, your sister is a sweet second best!! It has also started to sink in that I might not be up and running around a week after my surgery. I've been playing it my head that I'll be fine after a week and back to normal activity minus the lifting and stretching........oh, and working out (still a sore subject). BUT I am starting to rethink it all. After a quick conversation with my sister, I realized I better give myself a little more time to recover and not push it too fast. This will be hard for me, but I think I'll have many friends and family that will remind me. : )
The one thing I'm reminded of as I start this whole process is how wonderful my family and friends are. Brian has been very encouraging and supportive during the dr. appointments, my random thoughts about surgery, my sad days, and decisions that have to be made. I have also received so much support from others about my decision and offers for help with the boys and food. I'm pleasantly surprised and I don't really know why. I know I have awesome friends, but I guess still thought people would judge me for making such a drastic decision. And wow, have I changed that thought! I'm so blessed with such amazing, loving and caring friends and family. That is exactly what will get me through this whole procedure.
Next step in this process (and I have pages of instructions before surgery): Get a physical by my family physician (who I haven't seen in YEARS!!)
The reality of the surgery has started to settle in as I start to make plans for the kids while I'm at the hospital and after I'm home. It makes me a little anxious, but I know it will all work out. Thank God for my sister. When you can't have your mom, your sister is a sweet second best!! It has also started to sink in that I might not be up and running around a week after my surgery. I've been playing it my head that I'll be fine after a week and back to normal activity minus the lifting and stretching........oh, and working out (still a sore subject). BUT I am starting to rethink it all. After a quick conversation with my sister, I realized I better give myself a little more time to recover and not push it too fast. This will be hard for me, but I think I'll have many friends and family that will remind me. : )
The one thing I'm reminded of as I start this whole process is how wonderful my family and friends are. Brian has been very encouraging and supportive during the dr. appointments, my random thoughts about surgery, my sad days, and decisions that have to be made. I have also received so much support from others about my decision and offers for help with the boys and food. I'm pleasantly surprised and I don't really know why. I know I have awesome friends, but I guess still thought people would judge me for making such a drastic decision. And wow, have I changed that thought! I'm so blessed with such amazing, loving and caring friends and family. That is exactly what will get me through this whole procedure.
Next step in this process (and I have pages of instructions before surgery): Get a physical by my family physician (who I haven't seen in YEARS!!)
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Gone Too Soon
Today I attended a funeral of a Wooddale mother who died too young. She was only 49 years old and battled breast cancer for 3 years. She leaves behind a husband and 2 children- 1st and 3rd grade. It breaks my heart imagining these children trying to understand why their mom isn't here anymore--especially such a strong woman of God. Thank goodness they have a strong faith in God and are trusting and relying on HIm to get them through this hard time. The celebration was a wonderful tribute to the powerful legacy she leaves behind for her children, family and friends.
Of course, attending funerals brings back such tender moments and I relive the emotions of losing a mom. I cried just thinking of these sweet kids and the day they said goodbye to their mom-holding her hand, hugging her and crying together. It is all too real and vivid. I also sit and think, "I don't want this to be me". It hit me today exactly why I'm having this surgery. I want to do what I can so I don't have to say goodbye to my kids because a horrible disease took my life.........and one that I could have done something about with the information I have. I feel very confident in taking the first step in fighting for my life and health and the many years I want to have with my family.
Happy New Year! May this be a year that we stop and spend meaningful time with the ones we love!!
Of course, attending funerals brings back such tender moments and I relive the emotions of losing a mom. I cried just thinking of these sweet kids and the day they said goodbye to their mom-holding her hand, hugging her and crying together. It is all too real and vivid. I also sit and think, "I don't want this to be me". It hit me today exactly why I'm having this surgery. I want to do what I can so I don't have to say goodbye to my kids because a horrible disease took my life.........and one that I could have done something about with the information I have. I feel very confident in taking the first step in fighting for my life and health and the many years I want to have with my family.
Happy New Year! May this be a year that we stop and spend meaningful time with the ones we love!!
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