First Step

We visited with the Breast Surgeon this week. It all seems so surreal, but part of the process. She talked through my family history, gave me an exam and explained the process. It all seems so matter of fact. Luckily, I really like her. She was personable, nice and explained things in great detail. I actually felt like I was doing the right thing. And let me tell you, that is a big deal for me.

My mom was a very natural person. She didn't want to do treatment for her cancer and I think she would have flipped if she knew I had taken the BRCA test and started to explore this option~ prophylactic mastectomy with reconstruction. So no matter what I am doing, there is a small voice that I attribute to my mom~ "why are you doing this? You don't even know if you'd get cancer. This is so extreme." It is a constant struggle between how I grew up and what I know now...and my family. Some days it sucks and others it challenges me. I love my mom dearly, but I know I have her stubborn-ness. Which can be good and bad.

My next step is to meet with a plastic surgeon. I can't believe I'm meeting with a plastic surgeon and I'm not thrilled. You would think I would be picking a huge breast size and start to enjoy this new ride, but I'm a little nervous. My surgeon told me the whole process could take up to 8 months. Wow, with two small kids, this is a BIG undertaking. She said I would stay in the hospital for 2 days and not be able to exercise or lift heavy things for about 4 weeks. For those who know me, that's a long time not to workout. I'm kind of obsessed with working out and doing push-ups (I have bad arms and I've worked hard to get them under control). It really might push me over the edge. This is how sick I am......I've been trying to think of the things I could do that wouldn't hurt my arms, chest, etc. I know this is all worth it, but still hard to wrap my mind around.

I do have a peace about doing the surgery. Although it scares me, I know what I am doing will help me in the long run. According to my doctors, it isn't a matter of IF I get cancer, but WHEN. With my family history and that I am BRCA2 positive, my chances are high. They say I have a 40-80% chance of getting breast cancer and with this surgery, I can make it 1-2%. And all I can think about is: I WANT TO KNOW MY GRANDKIDS!!! I still cry thinking about how my kids will never know their grandma. They will never know how fun, sweet, and strong she was. They will never know that she loved crafts, garage sales, angels and laughing. That she liked to sing Christian songs, could let you know what she was thinking without saying a word, and liked to hide chocolate around the house (I could always find it). I want to be around. I want to be healthy. I want to do what I can to survive.

I have a long road ahead of me. I have a lot to think about. Until my meeting with the plastic surgeon, I will think of questions, pray and get ready for anything.